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All Mixed Up for Fall

September 6, 2011


Fall brings mixed feelings for this girl.

I get why everyone loves it because I used to love it too.

As a kid, I was the one who looked forward to going back to school – and ONLY because I had hopes the new year would be somehow different than the previous. I secretly also wanted my friends and I to break into song out on the school steps wearing our pink jackets and black sunglasses a la “Grease 2.” I was such a dork.

As an adult, I adored the glowing sunlight on a late September afternoon. I had always loved Halloween too, so I took great pride in decorating our home for the occasion – even before we had a child. And speaking of, I REALLY wanted to have an October baby so that I could throw a ghoulish-themed birthday party like one I had seen in the movie “Hanging Up.”

My love affair with Fall ended though in 2008 when I was diagnosed.

I was completely blindsided and it crushed my well laid plans. That year was our baby’s year of “firsts” – Halloween (and no, I didn’t get an October baby but instead a January baby and we have rain on her birthday instead of falling leaves – but I digress), Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Those “firsts” went on as planned but it was definitely not what I had dreamt them up to be.

And here three years later, Labor Day behind us, and headed back into the season that changed me. It stirs up feelings I would rather just forget. I can’t help but look at the calendar and see October 15 as the day I was diagnosed, or October 23 as the day I had a 5 cm cancerous tumor removed from my left breast, or November 20 as the day nurse Rita injected two different chemotherapy drugs into my veins.

I hate that I haven’t been able to move on or forget just a little.

I desperately want to crawl under my blankets on those anniversaries but doesn’t that mean that cancer wins a little bit?  I can’t allow that.  So, this year I will look forward to the Fall like I used to. I will unpack those cute decorations, I will throw a ghoulish Halloween party for the little one, I will bask in the afternoon sun, and maybe I’ll even watch “Grease 2” for old time’s sake!

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Ashley @ It's Fitting September 6, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Ok,
A) I LOVE Grease 2, so I am just as big of a dork as you are… I knew we were friends for a reason.
B) I love to decorate for Halloween and my husband thinks I’m nuts.
C) My mom still ticks off every year the dates that she was diagnosed and operated on to remove the cancer and ultimately both breasts. We also raise a glass to the ginormous ones that were put in the old ones’ place, but I digress. :-)

I guess my point is that I don’t think it’s unusual to keep those dates in your mind. They are a part of you. They are as much of a part of you as your birthday, the day you got married and the day your daughter was born. It’s how to choose to commemorate them that’s important. Every year, just think how lucky you were that you were diagnosed and that they GOT IT. That it’s gone. Don’t ever forget, because remembering keeps you vigilant, but learn to embrace the dates and the memories and move on.
Hugs.
Here’s to an amazing Fall. (And hopefully I will see you soon!)

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Wendy September 7, 2011 at 11:16 pm

All I have to say (er, sing) is “Reproduction….reproduction” Grease 2 movie night is a must!
Thanks for commenting, friend…and I CANNOT wait until we get together again!

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erica September 7, 2011 at 7:26 pm

I think you need to create a new, incredible memory for the fall… like maybe take the trip of a lifetime to Europe?
Seriously, I think it’s normal to feel the way you do… but every fall will hopefully get a little better.

XO

Reply

Wendy September 7, 2011 at 11:12 pm

Europe! Sure…will you pitch that one to the hubs? I’m sure he’ll go for it after putting in a new kitchen! HA!
Thanks friend!

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