There is just no escaping it, is there? The dreaded Christmas drama. Wait, what? You’re telling me that your holidays are perfect? No arguing, no hurt feelings, and no tears? No “cooling off” walks around the neighborhood in a pair of hideous black Birkenstocks because without it you might say something you’ll probably end up regretting?
What are you talking about?
You mean, you’ve never had some vengeful moron shoot silly string from three inches straight into your face because your team beat his at the DVD version of Family Feud? Or witness two grown adults reenact the WWE championship wrestling match over a handful of whipped cream to the head? Or called the woman across the table from you a “beyotch” because she pulled a better hand than yours in the annual Christmas day family poker tournament?
You mean, no one gets pissed off because you brought over a better beer than Coors Light? Oh, AND your relatives actually come and stay awhile? They don’t just collect gifts and leave to have dinner two-hundred yards away from your house after you’ve invited them and their extended family to the feast you’re preparing at your home?
You mean, you never made your kid pack their new Christmas gifts into a black garbage bag and dump them off on someone’s front lawn because you weren’t allowing presents from “some whore” into your house?
You mean, you don’t ice out your guests when they’ve been trekking across two counties all morning to fulfill another family obligation and unfortunately they’re a little late getting to your own Christmas day function? Isn’t it totally normal to blame them for ruining your Christmas? It’s not?
You mean, you don’t put out lawn chairs in the family room to accommodate seating guests?
You mean, you’re husband has never recruited his mom wrap the presents he bought for you? Including that get-up from Trashy Lingerie?
You mean, you don’t exclude someone, say…a family member, from the family photo?
You mean, you’ve never cracked a tooth on Christmas dinner and had to call the dentist for an emergency appointment.
You mean, you’ve never had to listen to someone tell the same story year after year about how you won the rice pudding game, but it’s really not you he is talking about but instead your husband’s ex.
Ugh, someone wake me when Christmas is over!
P.S. Dear Family…You know I’m not ungrateful and I hope you know I’m kidding! These are only partial truths with a little bit of fiction mixed in. So don’t be offended, please!!